My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
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its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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