K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
