Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
