i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
