Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Terrible idea I love it
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
