did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
