Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
