i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
