I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
