I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
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Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
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He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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