he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
