I'm lost and stupid without you.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
you had me at cake vodka
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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