Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
