Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
