My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Some Animals Are Total Jerks (10+ pics)
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.