I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I faked an abortion last night.
These 19 People Are Into The Grossest Sex Fetishes
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
People Weigh In On Whether It’s Okay to Bang Your Roommate
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy