I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
