I'm going to jail i love you
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
