my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
