I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
