On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
