I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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