I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
