You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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