There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
