he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
