Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
