and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
