Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
