tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
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