Is it normal to miss your booty call?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
