The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
