my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
