U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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