i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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