Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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