you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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