The maid of honor just puked.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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