you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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