He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
