Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
