I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
