Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
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I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
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My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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