I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
