i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
