I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
