life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
