mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Randomize
