The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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