i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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