At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
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