I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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