Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
