Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
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He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
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Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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