he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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