I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
