If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
