hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
