And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
