soooo we both peed the bed last night...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
