Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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