Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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