At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
