Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
