I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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